This post is probably the most transparent I’ve ever been with you all. I don’t want sympathy, just open your heart and listen.
Back in May, I wrote a blog post called, “The Countdown to Testimony.” It chronicled my final days living in Brooklyn, NY and how I wanted so badly for God to come through for me so I wouldn’t have to return home to Moncks Corner, SC.
Needless to say, things didn’t work out or “improve” from there.
In my time being home, I’ve experienced a series of tests and trials; one after another.
After applying to pretty much every retailer and grocery store in my town, I am still unemployed. This took a huge hit to my confidence because even with a degree and years’ worth of job experience, it seems as if no one wants to be bothered with me.
Since no job means no money, I’ve been broke; like dumb-stupid broke. Like, bank-account-in-overdraft-but-I-still-have-bill-collectors-calling-me broke.
The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. – John 10:10
When I moved from the city, I was hoping, praying, and having avocado-seed-sized faith for God’s provision up until the day before my lease was up. Because of that, I had to scramble to find a storage unit to put my things into before heading back home. It was hectic, y’all.
Choosing this particular unit was probably one of the worst decisions I’ve made in 2017. Long story short, I was able to keep up the payments for the first 2 months being home, but again, being unemployed, I soon fell behind.
The late fees piled on top of each other, until the inevitable happened:
When you go without paying storage, they have to right to keep your belongings and auction them off. That’s what happened to me. As of November 21st, all of my clothes, shoes, bed, books, draws, memories and anything else I couldn’t fit into my suitcase back in May, are gone.
It still feels weird to think about or even write it: gone. That’s so final, you know?
Like, all of the things that I paid for with my hard earned money, all the pictures, my journals, are gone.
On top of that, my phone was off for two months (because… unemployment), until an angel by the name of Shae, a classmate from college and founder of Happy Girl Glow, came in and helped a sistah out.
Still, that was an extremely difficult time because I felt completely closed off from the world unless I went to the library to use the Wi-Fi, because no, I do not have Wi-Fi at home.
This all caused me to fall into a deep depression.
Like, I’m talking dark-dark-dark depression. I wanted to give up on life and everything in it (this site included) because I was no longer confident in God’s abilities.
I lost hope.
I was thought to myself, “I’m praying and trusting you, God, but where is He???” Jesus came so that we might have life and have it more abundantly, but all I saw was hardship.
God pruned every person I called “friend” from my life and showed me their true heart towards me. One in particular just wanted to preach at me about how I wasn’t doing enough instead of understanding just a little bit of where I was coming from.
I’ve been the “strong” friend for so many years, but this one season of supposed “weakness” completely through off our dynamic (Which is pretty pathetic if you think about it). But let’s be real, nobody really wants to be around you while you’re at your lowest. When you’re severely depressed and can’t force yourself to smile for the sake of their comfort. That version of you depresses them, and who wants that if everything is going well in their life?
But I digress…
I’ve lost a lot in these last few months. I’ve lost everything that I held dear, everything that made me feel “worthy,” everything that gave me comfort. But the only constant during this time has been God.
The last half of 2017 has been hell. I’ve wanted to call it quits so many times, but God came in right in the nick of time, not with money or material things, but with His grace, mercy, and indescribable peace.
He has transformed me in a way that I know I wouldn’t have experience with all the distracting hustle and bustle of New York. He had to sit me still so he could work on me. He’s restored my confidence, infused me with inspiration and creativity, and has allowed me to grow as a better sister, daughter, auntie, and overall person.
I know I’ve lost pretty much everything, but what I’ve gained through Christ is so much more than that.
Initially, I wanted to write this when I was “out” of this season. When I had the job, when my closet was full again, when I was this gleaming beckon of hope; but I wanted to show you all what God can do when things still aren’t completely “perfect.”
I want to encourage anyone reading this who is going through unthinkable lost (probably far worse than what I’ve experienced). I want you to know that God is still good.
You may want to shake your fist at God, call Him a liar, or even think He doesn’t love you, but He does. He loves you like crazy and He wants to use your trials to bring you closer to Him.
His hand is extended to you and He wants to be your friend, your father, and the greatest love you’ll ever know.
In the face of trial, run to Him: He’s been waiting for you.
Before you go: Spread love in the comment below! ❤
Peace, peace, peace,