Unfortunately, heartbreak isn’t a foreign concept to me.
Although all have not been earth-shattering or crippling, in their own way, each has left my heart with concealed bruises in the form of disappointment, rejection, and manipulated trust.
“Friends” who have fallen off the face of the earth without reason or warning.
“Men” who have expressed interest only to disappear behind the shadows of blue boxes to initiate lunch plans gone unfulfilled.
“Women” who were supposed to be “mothers,” only to turn their backs, leaving their “daughter” stripped from her nurturers and orphaned.
Call it my childlike optimism, but when people say they will be who, where, and what they say they’re going to be, I expect them to be that. But I wasn’t always this way. I used to cold and cynical: people were born “bad” and it was only a matter of time before their birthright would uproot me and destroy every living thing in its path. I built up this defense mechanism that would shelter me from the devastation that was his lies and her competitive spirit against me, leaving me to rebuild myself after their storms had ceased. But as of recently, the Lord has been working on warming my heart again and allowing me to experience a side of my vulnerability I thought was buried under the debris of my own trauma.
That’s why when I experienced this recent gab to my chest, it stung in such an unfamiliar way.
You see, I’m single. Like single-single. Like, to this day, as I am typing this, I have never (and I mean ever) had a boyfriend; I’d also like to add that it’s not by choice. If I had it my way, I would be boo’d up with my 6’4, funny, stylish, God-fearing millionaire on a vineyard in Sicily right now, but that’s not the case… yet.
But I digress.
My singlehood is a reality that keeps me up at night and shakes me out of my sleep. It’s like this sick joke that everyone in a relationship is on as they mockingly laugh and point at me… I’m the joke! It got so bad, I asked myself if I was making an idol out of it, until I finally got fed up with the games that my mind was playing on me and decided that it was just too much for me to bare, so I gave it over to God (see Psalms 55:22 for reference). And when I tell you all the biggest weight was lifted off of me, sheesh. But being open and vulnerable still comes with its set of troubles.
“Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.” – Psalms 55:22 NKJV
I was recently out living my best life with a homegirl of mine, when I spotted a guy who was cute. I’m usually not the one to approach a guy, but if someone throws me the ally, chances are I’m going to dunk; and that’s what happened. My friend knew his friend, and his friend sent him over to us and we started talking. It was cute, brief, and we agreed to reconnect the following day. I gave him my number and he immediately asked me out on a date (kudos for that) and I agreed. But our exchange took an unexpected turn when it came time for him to get my location so that he could pick me up for the date (yes, I don’t drive and yes, on the first date, you should be picked up ladies; don’t @ me). I live in a small town many miles out from Charleston when he’s from and when I shared that, he expressed how my location had “changed things,” but he would still “figure something out.”
To say the least, I was hopeful that he would keep his word, because as I stated before, God’s working on me. But the next day, when we were supposed to get together, there was no word or signs of life on his end. Like, nigga, is you dead??At first, I was heated. How dare he make plans with me only to cancel with silence? Then I was embarrassed. How could I have been so open to allow his lack of commitment nick me in my heart? My vulnerability has exposed me and honestly, I felt played.
So after moping about it, I picked myself up and told him about himself, which caused him to tell me how he “overslept” and “started his day late,” but I’m like, boy, the moment you woke up you should have hit me up to tell me exactly what you just said. Not because I’m your girl (cause I’m not) but because you claim to be a man and you made plans! I swear, people get “catching feelings” confused with being a human… with actual feeling! I’m not trying to cuff you, I don’t even know you! But when you put me on the back burner, and made me your Plan B, your robbed yourself of the opportunity to get to know a real one; and that’s your lost.
*takes deep breath*
I’ve said all that to say this:
1.) It’s not you, it’s them: Listen, some of us are just too much for the small minded. Some of us are too much “work” for boys who want something easy and temporary. So when you come around with your morals, intelligence, and high self-esteem, he becomes intimidated, thus causing him to run. And like the wild dog he is: let him. You’re just too much for him, sis, but trust that you’ll be just enough for the right one.
2.) Guard your heart: Sure, vulnerability causes us to have to open ourselves up for the potential of pain, but there’s a way to go into new situations to where you’re not completely open or closed off. Everyone’s balance is different, and once you find yours, stick to it until the one who makes being your most open, loved, and vulnerable self, finds you.
3.) Never settle: Let’s go ahead and kill this negative personal narrative right now: No, you’re standards aren’t too high. No, you shouldn’t back down from who and what you feel you deserve. Yes, you will meet him. Yes, you are worth being courted, loved, hugged, rubbed, spoiled, and treated like the queen you are. Never adjust your crown for jesters.
Before you leave: Let me know in the comments below your thoughts on today’s topic. I’d love to hear!
Peace, peace, peace,