Disclaimer: I blame the following points mentioned in this post on my Dad; like why did he have to be such a good father and have such a positive influence on the young woman I’ve become? *sigh*
You see, I don’t have the best relationship with my mother, which in turn hasn’t granted me the opportunities that most girls inherently receive while growing up: to glean from their mother’s womanhood. Subjects like, how to be sweet and how to exude a ladylike confidence went missing from my girlhood curriculum like the Lost Books. Instead, from the years of watching my Dad’s every move and his display of “real man-ness,” I guess you could say that I involuntary decided to take after his character; which has now directly affected the way I interact with men and their draw to me.
The irony here is that I used to be deathly afraid of boys. I don’t think I spoke my first full sentence to a testosterone-transmitting being until the rightful age of 16. In retrospect, I believe my extreme shyness and advert awkwardness made them nervous and run from me. And rightfully so. I wouldn’t want to hang around someone who fled eye contact and spoke with a gentle tremble whenever they attempted to engage.
But this all changed when I got to college.
By some cosmic arrangement, I went from having all girl friends to no friends to solely male companions. I have this ongoing joke in my head that when I finally get married, my husband and I will both have a best man at our side. It’s a reality of mine that I have come to embrace, but only after much disinclination. It has always intrigued me how anytime I’m placed into a new environment, whether class, work, or a group setting, I always end up making my first connections with the young men in the room. No, not on a romantic level nor due to any forced efforts on my end, it just seems that my easygoingness leads to our star-crossed bond.
I have this ongoing joke in my head that when I finally get married, my husband and I will both have a best man at our side.
In my experience, having guy friends is easier than having girl friends. As long as there is no hidden attraction lurking between us, the friendship is seamless. I’ve had disagreements with my guy friends, where real tears were shed, and after one discussion, the matter was resolved. I’ve lost girl friends over minor misunderstanding where pride interfered with our judgment and ability to compromise.
Still, with all the love I have for my bro buds, something’s off. Somehow, I am unable to transfer my spellbinding influence on males from the friend stage to “can you be by wifey one day“.
Let’s me clear, I don’t want any of my guy friends; most of them are in happy relationships anyway. But what’s baffles me is when I attempt to translate this effortlessness into my romantic affairs, I completely freeze. I turn into Eminem in 8 Mile; knees weak, arms heavy. My spunk dissolves and my charm evaporates into thin air. This, in turn, has caused me to ask myself, whether I have become “one of the guys”. A mere asexual being with the ability to provide advice, laughter, and an open ear to the opposite sex, but nothing more.
Maybe, at the core, there is some inflation of feminine energy that needs to be exuded on my end…
Or maybe, there will be a new friend down the line; one who is allured by my hoyden charm and is down to turn this friend-girl into a lover.
Before you go: Let me know, have you ever felt like the “one of the guys”? Have you been able to turn your friend into a lover? Share below, I’d love to hear!
Peace, peace, peace,