My last situationship really f-ed me up.
Throughout my late teenage years up, until my early 20’s, I was a proud, self-proclaimed hopeful romantic. I believed in love at first sight, “the one,” and a number of other clichés commonly associated with love and relationships. But now, at 23, I’m not so sure.
On my list of priorities, meeting “Mr. Right” comes in at a wavering #4 ranking and I will admit, I can be a bit cynical whenever the topic of past lovers is brought to the table.
But why? When did this shift come about? Let me take you back to March of 2014.
That’s month I met my first love. We’ll call him, Jimmy.
We met through a mutual friend who encouraged him to reach out to me about starting his blog since I had been in the game for almost a year. We were DM-downers, exchanging thoughts and advice between each other’s inboxes until one night, I suggested that we take our conversation from the comfort of Instagram to the phone. He agreed. From there, the spark was instant. Our conversations would go on for hours upon hours, and it was the first time I had ever experienced that type of connection with anyone.
But even in the midst of our flourishing discussions and passionate debates, there was something holding him back… or rather, someone.
About 3 months before Jimmy and I were introduced, he had just reached the end of a year-long relationship. His wombs were still extremely fresh, his heart was still damaged, and he was STILL in contact with her. In my young, foolish mind, I thought that our late-night counseling sessions would heal him, wake him up from his daze, and sway him to choose me; I was dead wrong.
Did I love him? Deeply. Did he love me? I’m sure. Still, the greatest tragedy to come of this was: I become Jimmy. I become the damaged goods that I worked so diligently to repair in him. I spent about 10 months with Jimmy before I had enough of his lack of commitment and incessant discussion of his ex, still, I can’t help but be overly aware of the internal damage that I’ve noticed surfacing like a bruise.
This is not a bashing session or a proclamation that all men ain’t s… sufficient. Jimmy and I have had our time to heal, have been in contact, and there’s no ill will between us. Still, I know that there are girls out there who are in a situation/relationship with a Jimmy and may or may not know it; this post is for her.
Here are 3 easy ways to tell if you have a Jimmy:
1.) You are his Dr. Phil: As mentioned, our supposed to be caking time slowly grew into late-night couch therapy. Like word vomit, he would pour all of the grueling details of him and his ex’s falling outs and even discuss her physique to me. Each detail would etch at my confidence, still, I would fight through the hurt of each visual in hopes that somehow, someday, he would get over her and pick me. Clearly, that day never came. Unless you have more patience/tolerance for that type of discussion than I do, that day may never come for you either. Guys have to make up their mind about you just as much as we have to about them. But if their mind is still focused on their last chick, honey, you will be waiting and waiting and waiting for him to finally decide. And between you and me, who has time for that?
2.) All he talks about is his ex: If you’ve ever been with a dude who’s said the following, “Me and my ex used to…” RUN! Why? Because even with you and all of your wit, beauty, intelligence and glory, he still has his ex on his mind. I remember when Jimmy and I were dating, for the first two months, all we would talk about was his ex. (I always wondered how he would feel if I went on and on about the young, fly, intelligent men I was in constant contact with every day at school .) Until one day, I had enough. I told him that I had heard enough about her and that if he brought her name up again in our conversations, that would be our last conversation. That got him straight for a while, but remember, correction will bring the behavior into attention, but it still won’t heal the heart.
3.) He won’t commit: We started talking in March, I knew I loved him by August. I wanted to be his girlfriend and I showed him that day in and day out. Jimmy was not ready. Nothing I could do or say, could make Jimmy ready. Jimmy could only be ready when Jimmy was ready but it took me months to figure that out. Listen, sis, any guy who is fresh out of a relationship, meaning 1-5 months, especially if they loved the girl, is unavailable. You cannot make him ready, he alone, must go through the healing process, and then choose when he is ready. You can stick around and walk him through it if you choose, you can water and nurture him, but be aware that that is one tree you may never be able to sit under.
Before you leave: Let’s uplift and inspire one another; share this post with someone who you think would benefit from this knowledge! Let me know if you or someone you know is with a Jimmy! Maybe you are a Jimmy! Like, comment, and follow for new blog updates!
Aley Arion – Your Millennial Mami